The Spaniard's Revenge
by Nimue Nightingale
Summary: France had a one night stand with Romano...and now Spain wants vengeance. Rated M for language and some sexual themes
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Hetalia or any of it's characters

This is just something I wrote...it's pretty freaking random. I am living proof that you do not have to be on crack to write crack fiction :)

Enjoy!

Reviews are highly appreciated!

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The birds were chirping and the sun was shimmering and smiling brightly in the sky above that morning. "Ahhh." France rose from his slumber, stretched his arms and yawned. "L'amour is in the air this morning!" he sighed, dreamily. He shook the shoulder of the sleeping lump beside him. "Wake up, Romano."

Romano's brown eyes flittered open and he turned to face France. His eyes widened and she shot up from the bed. "What the fuck am I doing here? And why am I naked?" he shouted.

France tilted his silky, blond head to the side. "I thought you know."

"Blasphemy! You bastard! You drugged me! Fuuuuck!" The naked Romano frantically ran back and forth across the spacious room.

"Romano, would you kindly turn your voice down a little?"

"Like fucky fuck I will!" the furious Italian screamed

France sighed.

Romano suddenly collapsed and burst into a fit of tomato sized tears. "What if you gave me crabs? Is escargot an STD? What about AIDS? Oh dear God, what if I'm pregnant?"

"You're not pregnant."

"Oh my tomato! You got me fucking pregnant!"

"N- "

"Fuck you! Bastard!" Without putting his clothes on, Romano jolted from the fluffy, pink bedroom.

France exhaled. He should have foreseen this from Romano. France rose from his bed and crossed to the window then clapped his hands together twice. A few seconds later, a few sparrows flew into the room from the forest outside carrying a pair of red pants and three blue jays fluttered in with a blue shirt and all the forest birds began to dress him. Following this, two doves draped a blue cloak around France's shoulders. After the birds had finished, he turned to the mirror and hummed in approval. "I am beautiful."

France spun to face the fluffy white bird who was his stylist. "Am I beautiful, Pierre?"

"Tweet tweet tweet!"

"Oh!" France sighed. "I am flattered!" He turned back towards his room. "What am I going to do today?" Before he could finish this thought, his phone rang with a ring that announced Spain was ringing. France jubilantly skipped to the phone and pressed answer.

"Salut!"

"What did you do to Romano?" Spain demanded.

"Nothing! It's more of what he did to me!" France chuckled.

"This isn't funny!"

"I know that it is not! Mon dieu!"

"I am going to get you!"

"Oh, Spain. You are so cute when you are angry."

There was only silence on the other line.

"Spain?"

"I'm going to get you." Click

France drew the phone from his ear and stared at the screen which was the French flag. "This isn't good."


	2. 2: The Fairy Godmother

Okay, this chapter is pretty freaking random. I love it though!

Pre-warning: The next chapter looks like it's going to be a crossover but since this is mostly Hetalia based, it might not switch categories. It depends.

Thank you, Himitsu Uchiha for reviewing the first chapter :)

Okay, so on with CHAPTER TWO!

Btw: I don't own Hetalia

and reviews are awesome! -hint hint-

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England's day had been normal and America free today. He knew this sense of peacefulness would not last so he enjoyed this by sipping tasteless black tea in his study. It was not that he didn't like America, for, as we all know, he REALLY liked America. It was just that he wanted some quiet once in a while. He sighed and took a sip of tea and closed his eyes. Of course, just as he was about to relax, his phone rang with Heroes by David Bowie (this song reminds England of America) filling the room. He groaned and flipped open the Sprint Lotus.

"Hello?"

"England! You have to help me!" England rolled his eyes. It was France.

"What is it?" England said with an exasperated sigh.

"I have not seen Spain! I have looked everywhere!"

"Did you check...Wait, why are you looking for Spain?"

"He is going to kill me! Or worse, cut off mon precious- "

"Enough! Why is Spain going to kill you?"

There was only silence on the opposite end.

"Frog in your throat?"

"Islevecromano" France mumbled

"What?"

"Romano and I…"

"Oh, hail the Queen. You two seriously…?"

"Oui."

"Well, it serves you bloody right, you frog!" England flipped the phone closed. It had been only a matter of time before this would happen to France.

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France stared at the phone, still panicked. He had no idea what Spain was planning to do or when he was planning on doing it or what IT was. The Frenchman frantically looked behind every curtain in his house. Nothing. "Why did this have to be me?" France shouted before slumping down against the wall and resting his head on his knees. He waited a moment in this position before lifting his head and looking around. "Usually, in the storybooks, this is where the Fairy Godmother comes…" He groaned. "Zees is hopeless!"

Suddenly, a melody of twinkling noises hit France's ear. He looked up and immediately, he was breathless. In front of him, there were sparkles. Sparkles that sparkled in colors: purple, yellow, green, red…every color one could possibly imagine. The sparkly sparkles reflected in France's eyes as they spun in a circular rainbow of sparkle power throughout the hall and slowly a silhouette began to appear through the plethora of sparkling sparkly sparkles.

"Mon dieu…" France whispered as the person in the center of the tornado of sparkles became clearer.

The Fairy Godmother was dressed in a white, sequined dress that was so bright, it was almost blinding. Two, tiny wings protruded from his back. His wand was long, silver and had a star at the tip from which ribbons poured down from. The fairy's bald head was topped with a diamond and sapphire encrusted tiara.

"Did you call for me?" Dr. Phil asked France, brushing some of the still sparkling sparkles away.

France stared at his new fairy godmother. "I thought you did not exist!"

Dr. Phil put a hand on his hip and raised an eyebrow. "Who told you I did exist?"

"England."

"Of course." Dr. Phil Fairy nodded thoughtfully. "What do you need? I can grant you three..counting THREE wishes."

France squealed. "Ah bon? Can I wish for- "

"No. No more wishes and I won't have sex with you."

"Zut alors!" France cursed. "Can you at least get Spain off my back?"

"No."

"Pourquois?"

"He wished for me not to grant that wish to you."

"Le gasp!" France shouted. "You cheat!"

"He called first and then you did. Sorry." The Phil Fairy shrugged.

"Where is he?" France asked, hoping to at least get some information out of him.

"I don't know."

"How do you not know?"

"It has been a few hours since I have seen him. People move."

"Very well, mon Fairy Godmother. I guess I will have to request my first wish."

"What is it?"

"I need training for when Spain attacks and when he does…I am ready."

Dr. Phil nodded and raised his star want. "Bippity boppity BOO!"


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter is really cracky and really short. There is a reason I wanted this chapter here though ^^. Enjoy! In the next chapter, there will be revenge!

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France glanced around this new area. Dr. Phil had taken him to some sort of swamp. It was dark, dank, quiet and making France's beautiful hair all frizzy.

"Where are we?"

Dr. Phil didn't answer.

"I thought you knew all the answers!"

Not a word came from him.

They continued through the swamp and the puce colored mist that was slowly being emitted from the murky liquid into the already green atmosphere until, after what felt like generations, they came to a small hut. Dr. Phil rapped on the door a couple of times

"Mon dieu." France muttered. Two and a half long seconds later, the door creaked open, revealing a little green creature with abnormally large ears and white hairs poking out of his head.

"Master Yoda." Dr. Phil nodded his head reverently.

"Bring the frog you did." Yoda chirped. "Urg. See what we can do with him we will."

Rance ducked his head to enter the miniature hut. Before he could adjust to the environment, he felt an immediate pain from something large which had been ruthlessly slammed onto his calf. "SACRE-BLEU!"

"Force is not strong with this one." Yoda observed.

"He wished for you to train him."

"I never wished for a petit green man to hit me with a stick!" France yelped in pain while clutching his aching leg.

"You wished for training!"

"And training you will receive." Yoda hopped to the other side of the room and procured a thick, silver rod from a cupboard. France gazed in awe as a beam of blue light extended from it. "A lightsaber this is."

"Is it mine?"

"Be yours it will." Yoda hummed. "Become one with the Force you must, first."

France's lips upturned. "Does that involve becoming one with Russia? If it is not, then I'm in."

"Good." Yoda crossed the room and to Dr. Phil. "Give me another one, you did. The last time, this is."

"As you wish, Master Yoda."

"First!" Yoda declared. France sat on the soft ground of the swamp, staring aimlessly at the green Jedi master. "Learn to pay attention, you must!"

"I was!"

Yoda sighed. "Give you your first test I will. For this, you must use the Force." And then, using nothing but his mind, Yoda pushed a rock to the area of land in front of the Frenchman.

"Mon dieu! How did you do that?"

"With the Force I did. Do the same you will." Yoda fixated his large green eyes on France. "Now."

France looked at the grey slab of stone he was expected to move. He concentrated. The rock glared at him in return as if saying: "You Frog!" France squinted. This rock would not insult him in this way! "Move." He muttered. The rock seemed to be laughing at him,

"You tacky rock!" France screeched, kicking the large stack of earth then yelping in pain for he had lost a battle against a rock and his foot was paying for it.

Yoda shook his head. "Fail you do."

During the next few days, Yoda did not go any easier on France. He went so far as to sexually deprive his Jedi apprentice by locking the Frenchman in his room during the night.

France stared at that damned rock once more, concentrating heavily. It had been days and he hadn't been able to move the stone an inch.

"Hopeless you are." Yoda exhaled. "Let you go, I must."

"No! You cannot!" France leapt up. "I have been trying! You cannot just give up on me!"

Yoda smiled and extended a little, olive-colored finger towards the boulder. France gasped. The rock was floating in mid-air.

"Ready you are."


	4. Chapter 4 The Battle

This is the first story done on my new laptop ^^ Fun fact.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I know it's short but it's awesome :)

Love, Lexie

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Chapter 4 – The Spaniard's Revenge.

It was quiet. Too quiet.

France glanced around the field, the soft hum of his lightsaber in his ear. He took a step forward, the grass crushing like straw beneath him. "I know you're there, Spain" he muttered. He slowly scanned the field with his glamorous blue eyes, not finding any sign of the Spaniard. He mumbled to himself in undistinguishable French words.

"FRANCE!"

"Eh?" France whisked around, keeping a close grip on the lightsaber. "SPAIN!" There was no response to him. "Zut alors. I know he must be there." Before he could finish his thought, he sensed something plump, juicy and red tumbling towards his head.

"La Force est avec moi!" he shouted as he spun around to split the tomato in half with his lightsaber. The tomato fell into two halves that fell, smoke emitting from the juicy fruit. "You have revealed yourself!"

Spain stepped out from behind a tree. "I am here!" He held up another tomato high above his head. "I have more of these!"

"I have more of this!" France swung the lightsaber threateningly.

"Is that what you said to Romano?" Spain shouted angrily.

"Actually." France started, thoughtfully. "Oui. I did."

"I told myself that when I saw you, I would say one thing." Spain hissed.

"And what would that be, mon chere?" France said, amused.

"Hello. My name is Antonio Carriedo, you screwed my Romano." He prepared to throw another tomato. "Prepare to die."

"Oh, I am so scared!" France chuckled, his lightsaber shaking with his laughter.

"This is not a laughing matter, Francis!" Spain screeched. "I mean. Hello! My name is Antonio Carriedo! You screwed my Romano! Prepare to die!" His voice was a little louder than the time before as he stepped closer to France.

"I am still not intimidated, Antonio!" France chirped, stepping slightly back. He was a little intimidated. He just wouldn't admit it.

"Hello! My name is Antonio Carriedo! You screwed my Romano! Prepare to die!"

"I get it!"

Spain's voice became louder. Actually, so loud that the birds began to fly from the trees in fear. "Hello! My name is Antonio Carriedo! You screwed my Romano! Prepare to die!"

"Mon dieu! Would you stop saying that!"

"No!" Spain said, growing closer to France. "Hello. My name is Antonio Carriedo! You screwed my Romano! Prepare to-"

"BE AWESOMIZED!" Prussia exclaimed, seizing both of their vital regions and winning the battle.

Oh, what? Did you expect either of those wusses to win?


End file.
